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| BigAndy | You can only be young once. But you can always be immature | | |
| BigAndy | The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals | | |
| BigAndy | Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair | | |
| BigAndy | For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. | | |
| BigAndy | Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. | | |
| BigAndy | I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either. | | |
| BigAndy | Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. | | |
| BigAndy | There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. | | |
| BigAndy | I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. | | |
| BigAndy | Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. | | |
| BigAndy | I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. | | |
| BigAndy | I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. | | |
| BigAndy | When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. | | |
| BigAndy | People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. | | |
| BigAndy | The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest | | |
| BigAndy | If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all | | |
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